i feel so old sometimes. like i've lived serveral lifetimes.
and sometimes i feel so young,
but its been 6 weeks clean. of everything.
and i'm not sure how i feel.
I am wildfire.I am wildfire.I am wildfire. by arabesque-o
I am the open hungry flame beneath a forest of dried trees
I am every time your grandmother said 'no' but you said yes anyways
I am claiming who I am.
I am radical self-acceptance
I am a contradiction,
I am a strange combination of every label you've tried on me
I am a ripped off warning label
I am the residue left behind
I am me.
do not try to figure me out.
I am every angry feminist meets small-town conservative
I am the gay-pride in the sanctuary
I am the good intentions of the bag-lady at Walmart
I am the hope in your mother's cedar chest
I am a wildflower learning to grow wild in my own heart-
I am my own revolution.
I am the word 'reckless'
I am the safety in my father's gun.
I am the coin you flip into the ocean,
I am the wish you wish on that coin
I am the free fall of a bungee jump
I am the uncertainty in their eyes the first time they leave
I am the leave anyway.
I am me.
do not cage me in your perceptions,
I am wildfire. do not hold me.
1:40amthe empty-belly night sky rumbles1:40am by arabesque-o
Lana aches in my ears
the curtains curl around lightning-flash
my fingers smell like smoke
and I try to sweep you out of my untidy head
but you linger in the corners still
like you always do.
life is the looming monster we never look straight in the face
afraid of its shadow.
I want to wrap my arms around you
I want you to be the future I am so afraid of
I wrapped my past around my fingers so tight
it cut off the circulation
i want to cut all the threads of my never-let-go
and let my truth stand as unaplogetically
as the scars I've let heal
I am learning how to never adjust my views for your approval
my skin is not an apology
this is not an invitation to walk over me
learning yourself is like learning a city
it is continually changing
growing out and shifting under
like our fingernails
or the sunset.
it's not that it's different, it's not that it's different, it's that it's exactly the same.it's not that it's different, by arabesque-o
home has the taint of memory
that sticks to my skin.
the ghost of my past
lives here still.
shoves it's fingers into my brittle bones
swells my veins into targets
and makes my flesh the lure
of the silver I thought I'd forgotten.
I need out of here
before old mistakes return like
an ill-timed joke.
fucking tired, or learning to grow things out.she said 'life has always been an uphill battlefucking tired, or learning to grow things out. by arabesque-o
and i'm so fucking tired'
the sun fell over the mountains again
as she took scissors to her hair and clippers to her nails
as if cutting everything off
could somehow pull her life back under her skin.
i watch with my mouth full of silence as her blue hair threads the grass.
my thoughts chew in my head
and we breathe like an orchestra.
tomorrow, i will wear my clothes inside out and paint my nails black
you will drink black coffee and glue earbuds to the inside of your ears
we both grieve in different ways.
did it ever occur to you, love
that maybe i'm really fucking tired too
so in an effort to keep up
i shave half of my head and bite off my stubby fingernails
i move 5 hours
but then visit the next day
just to watch my life from the outside
see, nothing changes.
you're still cutting things off
but i'm learning to grow things out
like my insecurities
like the pain on my insides
or the hair on my head
i already have too many scars in
20 years young. still learning to fly. photographer. professional ballet dancer. sometime writer. committed reader.
pansexual and radical jesus-person. yes those two can go together. i enjoy longboarding, spoken word, and morals.
no, i'm not confused, i am just continually finding myself.
why i'm here: to make art and watch amazing artists.