i feel so old sometimes. like i've lived serveral lifetimes.
and sometimes i feel so young,
but its been 6 weeks clean. of everything.
and i'm not sure how i feel.
1:40amthe empty-belly night sky rumbles1:40am by arabesque-o
Lana aches in my ears
the curtains curl around lightning-flash
my fingers smell like smoke
and I try to sweep you out of my untidy head
but you linger in the corners still
like you always do.
life is the looming monster we never look straight in the face
afraid of its shadow.
I want to wrap my arms around you
I want you to be the future I am so afraid of
I wrapped my past around my fingers so tight
it cut off the circulation
i want to cut all the threads of my never-let-go
and let my truth stand as unaplogetically
as the scars I've let heal
I am learning how to never adjust my views for your approval
my skin is not an apology
this is not an invitation to walk over me
learning yourself is like learning a city
it is continually changing
growing out and shifting under
like our fingernails
or the sunset.
it's not that it's different, it's not that it's different, it's that it's exactly the same.it's not that it's different, by arabesque-o
home has the taint of memory
that sticks to my skin.
the ghost of my past
lives here still.
shoves it's fingers into my brittle bones
swells my veins into targets
and makes my flesh the lure
of the silver I thought I'd forgotten.
I need out of here
before old mistakes return like
an ill-timed joke.
fucking tired, or learning to grow things out.she said 'life has always been an uphill battlefucking tired, or learning to grow things out. by arabesque-o
and i'm so fucking tired'
the sun fell over the mountains again
as she took scissors to her hair and clippers to her nails
as if cutting everything off
could somehow pull her life back under her skin.
i watch with my mouth full of silence as her blue hair threads the grass.
my thoughts chew in my head
and we breathe like an orchestra.
tomorrow, i will wear my clothes inside out and paint my nails black
you will drink black coffee and glue earbuds to the inside of your ears
we both grieve in different ways.
did it ever occur to you, love
that maybe i'm really fucking tired too
so in an effort to keep up
i shave half of my head and bite off my stubby fingernails
i move 5 hours
but then visit the next day
just to watch my life from the outside
see, nothing changes.
you're still cutting things off
but i'm learning to grow things out
like my insecurities
like the pain on my insides
or the hair on my head
i already have too many scars in
on learning to keep your head up.sometimes we grow up with lips sealed like tombs.on learning to keep your head up. by arabesque-o
we are taught from an early age
how to pack the big heavy things in life
away in the glove compartment of our heads.
self hate is taught in every ad
insecurity in the halls of schools
we are taught how and who to love.
we read into our parents and grandparents habits,
generations making and recreating the same mistakes.
see, sometimes life is just old patterns
we keep replaying until someone finally says
No. No More.
what if we said no more every day?
what if we actually stepped out of our cycles
and let our fears drown in the sound of our outstretched
hands taking life by the throat?
i'm not looking to get out of life without scars
i want to live so hard the earth won't be able to hold me here
when its time to shut the door
i don't want to die at 81 while walking the dogs in the same town
my mother grew up in.
i don't want to watch my dreams turn stale
until the horizons begin suffocate us.
i never want my fea
internalwe had a code, a way of telling the other that our mind wasn't stable that dayinternal by ohsparrowsong
'i feel like smashing all the plates in the house again today'
not so secret; not too clever
but it worked
you said it every single day for two weeks, and it was always followed by you tossing your head back to gulp down half a
bottle of rot gut. i told you to stop it, and you tried.
it lasted two days.
then it got worse.
worse, worse, worse. i started to wonder if you were just getting more 'you'.
maybe you were just an inherent fuck-up, and it was hardwired into your dna.
god, you really were more than just unstable.
but you were delicate.
god dam this world makes me mad sometimes. everyone is too busy trying to stop
people hurting other people, that they don't notice those hurting
i noticed you.
no-one else did though.
no-one ever fucking does.
20 years young. still learning to fly. photographer. professional ballet dancer. sometime writer. committed reader.
pansexual and radical jesus-person. yes those two can go together. i enjoy longboarding, spoken word, and morals.
no, i'm not confused, i am just continually finding myself.
why i'm here: to make art and watch amazing artists.