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About Photography / Student Member arabesque-o20/Female/United States Recent Activity
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Lit.
245 deviations
i wrote my first suicide letter in 10th grade.
they told me it didn't count if you felt like dying
unless you had it down on paper
like a vetoed birth certificate.

i've rewritten it enough times since
to realize i could never leave with a proper goodbye.
goodbye is too heavy a word for paper to hold
and i was never brave enough for the kind of courage it takes to tell them
why.
why they weren't enough to keep me here.
but i'm finally learning a different kind of bravery-
the kind it takes to
stay.
stay.

i learned to wear death 
like rope burn my junior year
my senior year we became friends
 but i finally stopped cutting the insides of wrists

when i finally realized death never arrives on time,
i started smoking when i turned 18
to speed his arrival
because somedays, 15 less earth rotations around the sun sounds like a blessing.

2 years later I'm still learning to let the self destructive habits go
I stopped smoking again
threw the knife away and closed the toilet lid.
learning to live with yourself
is not a war,
it is waking up every morning 
and realizing you aren't as bad as you thought
and changing the parts of you that are

words are not safe.

they come out wrong

or they don’t come out at all

they puddle in my head and 
leak into my bones

i opened my mouth and built a wall between us

you opened yours and tore me down.

I let their words turn me inside-out

I let them form into the noose I wore like a scarf

words cup their hands around ignorance and spill out of the mouths of fools

inspire revolutions and turncoat conservatists
,
build wisdom

and impersonate it. 

when I was little I was afraid of running out of words

there are so many words in the world 

and so many people.

maybe that’s why there were entire years 
I would barely speak,

so that when I did my voice sounded like the 

sand on play grounds they would throw down the slides-
rasping.
even then I knew they had power

remember, your mouth is a holy beaker 

hold flowers in it

make a vase of your words,

and lay your guns to rest.

build a castle of word-knowing

and refasten love to your fingertips,

so every time you write

you build something
words.
as much as I love them,
words are dangereous.
Loading...
out of boredom, I picked up my old journals. bad plan. I forgot how dark my head was back then. how many pages are stained with my own blood or an angry x for every time I purged. the poems I wrote with shaking hands and the heavy darkdarkdark that I was stuck in.
I still have nights I can't breathe,
but thank God I don't live there anymore.
I'm not the same person.
and happiness feels warm on my skin. 8 months clean guys. and each month feels like a fucking victory.
I survived.
  • Mood: Astonished
  • Playing: skyrim
  • Drinking: coffee
sometimes I get so lost in my head,
I forget how to find my way out
like a child lost in the grocery store,
I'm still walking up to strangers with familiar faces
looking for safety
because my heart is a drumbeat you can feel in my fingertips
it is an anthem singing too loud in my veins
reminding me I am not yet dead-
I want to be reminded everyday how alive I am.
you are alive.
I feel most alive pursuing adventure. my heartbeats louder my skin fits tighter and God is someone I can touch.
Loading...
out of boredom, I picked up my old journals. bad plan. I forgot how dark my head was back then. how many pages are stained with my own blood or an angry x for every time I purged. the poems I wrote with shaking hands and the heavy darkdarkdark that I was stuck in.
I still have nights I can't breathe,
but thank God I don't live there anymore.
I'm not the same person.
and happiness feels warm on my skin. 8 months clean guys. and each month feels like a fucking victory.
I survived.
  • Mood: Astonished
  • Playing: skyrim
  • Drinking: coffee

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arabesque-o

Artist | Student | Photography
United States
tumblr: www.myheartleftmychest.tumblr.…



20 years young. still learning to fly. photographer. professional ballet dancer. sometime writer. committed reader.
pansexual and radical jesus-person. yes those two can go together. i enjoy longboarding, spoken word, and morals.

no, i'm not confused, i am just continually finding myself.

why i'm here: to make art and watch amazing artists.
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:iconliving-in-his-head:
living-in-his-head Featured By Owner 3 days ago
Thanks for the+fav ! <3
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:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Photographer
you're welcome. :j
Reply
:iconwhyles:
Whyles Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the watch and faves. :) 
Your poems are wonderful. 
Reply
:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student Photographer
you're welcome, person.
thankyou:heart:
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:iconwhyles:
Whyles Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconflummo:
flummo Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the :+fav: on fathers. :heart:
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:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2013  Student Photographer
you're welcome(:
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:iconcatching-cinderella:
catching-cinderella Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Student Writer
thank you for the collections, love. <3
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:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2013  Student Photographer
of course<3
sorry it took so long to read them x.x
Reply
:iconxbeyondmex:
XbeyondmeX Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2013
thanks for the favs!!!! (; <3 <3 <3
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