i'm making some really bad decisions right now.
and the words- they're gone.
i'm really low
and really high
at the same time and trying to figure out how that can be.
but i won't be on here much for awhile.
i.i'm all eat-to-muchi. by ~arabesque-o
all scars and never tears.
i am care-too-much
all question with no answer.
i am a contradiction
ask me, i will tell you i don't know.
i just don't know.
i am 3am and the heavy morning hours that suffocate
in that breath before dawn.
i am a fish with no urge to swim
a childhood memory of how things should've been, a broken bone reset.
a game over. try again?
i am all supernova when your lips are on mine. all confused,
all child-in-the-cookie-jar again. listen, maybe you are my guilty pleasure,
another addiction i can't stop.
because i am like lightning, i never know where i hit
i just fell in love with the ground, i never meant to hurt the ones i love.
i am all tell-too-much
i say too little when you need me to speak,
and too much when you need me to listen.
i don't know how to be myself without apology.
listen for my voice,
sometimes i lose it in the crowded spaces of my head.
but speak to m
addicted.they say an eating disorder will always be an eating disorder,addicted. by ~arabesque-o
that a cutter will always crave the open door of their skin.
that sober is just another way of saying thirsty
and that relapse is just as far as the breadth of your self control.
when did we accept our addictions as a part of us?
maybe we've fallen in love with them,
we have been taught to define ourselves by them.
never forget, your vices are cancer. they are growths, sucking life.
they will never do anything but sink you, yet still
we don't get better, because we don't want to. not really.
(why is it the recovery is so much harder than relapse?)
replaying old cycles like a favorite song
that always brings the sadness.
'its just the way i am' is the radiation we keep breathing in,
the cancer we've accepted. the pain we've adopted.
apathy dressed as despair that we shove down our throats to be
regurgitated as a justified excuse to give up.
don't ever give up.
we are not the concrete facades we put up ar
life.life never comes in easy breaths for anyone.life. by ~arabesque-o
it comes in gut gasps and running pants
it comes like childbirth pains
and 115 degree heat waves.
it will take the air from your lungs;
a gut punch that will often leave you like a fish pulling on oxygen
store the pain in your spine and get up again
too many people before you
have laid down in their misery.
sadness is easy, do not settle down with it.
moving on is like growing up,
do it day by day.
sift through your heart and
implant the kind of person you want to be.
your insecurities are a flock of birds
set flight to them and
let them leave.
leave your self hate, your self pity, self absorption
in the intersection, run it over and
wrap your arms around your family and friends.
pull out the blanket of your heart,
i promise you it will do you more good
loving who you love
than rotting in the cellar of your chest.
space.the sky is a virgin, you can't touch her.space. by ~arabesque-o
my body is a highway for your hands,
but somedays it pretends it is the sky.
it is venus, do not venture too close.
hold your distance on the days i don't know how to be near anyone.
i don't remember how to be near you.
cut me to the bone,
you will find glass instead of marrow
crevices for veins.
breath too deeply and i shatter a little more
dig deeper and you will find
i am deep space,
infinite miles of empty head feelings.