fucking tired, or learning to grow things out.

she said 'life has always been an uphill battle

and i'm so fucking tired'

the sun fell over the mountains again

as she took scissors to her hair and clippers to her nails

as if cutting everything off

could somehow pull her life back under her skin.

i watch with my mouth full of silence as her blue hair threads the grass.

my thoughts chew in my head

and we breathe like an orchestra.

tomorrow, i will wear my clothes inside out and paint my nails black

you will drink black coffee and glue earbuds to the inside of your ears

we both grieve in different ways.

did it ever occur to you, love

that maybe i'm really fucking tired too

so in an effort to keep up

i shave half of my head and bite off my stubby fingernails

but then visit the next day

just to watch my life from the outside

see, nothing changes.

you're still cutting things off

but i'm learning to grow things out

like my insecurities

like the pain on my insides

or the hair on my head

i already have too many scars in the shape of you

i'm learning to leave.