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remember that day i caught you in the bathroom sitting on the floor? your tangled hair was dripping and pooling and mixing with the blood on the linoleum. all around you spread reverently like candlestick were boxes of band-aids and rolls of linen bandages.
but even after 46 i could still see the canyons in your skin.
you looked at me with eyes like soft grey moths, but i could see you'd already flown away. you kept whispering imsorryimsorryimsosorry over and over like a Buddhist's mantra, like an unholy chant, like a magicians spell. like maybe it would somehow mend it all.
you lay still as i slowly picked them off like scabs.
my hands still shake when i remember the collage of words sunk into your Papier-mâché skin.
your hands small and translucent lay in your lap like little broken birds. your shoulders curved in, trying to collapse into the cavity in your chest. and your silent wet shivers tore a valley in my heart. bruises like coins around the corners of your crushed rose petal lips and ran in zebra stripes around your neck, encircling like a twisted corset. your eggshell nails are frayed and ragged like those haunt-stories of the not-yet-dead in their caskets. there was a cut on your crystal white cheekbone quietly crying red. it would've made you look fierce, but for the empty skies in your eyes.
i would've held you.
i would've never let you fly away again.
but when my arms enfolded your broken frame, all you could feel was His. i could feel the panic settle in your bones.
so we sat like strangers.
o God, how i wanted to kill him.
that night i watched you die.
you flew from me and left an automaton in your place.
some nights, i still look for you.
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critique: [link]
questions:
do you feel it in your gut the emotion i tried to breath into it?
or does it just come off as angsty?
does it flow well?
the lines in the italics are bugging me some, do they sound ok?
critique: [link]
questions:
do you feel it in your gut the emotion i tried to breath into it?
or does it just come off as angsty?
does it flow well?
the lines in the italics are bugging me some, do they sound ok?
© 2012 - 2024 arabesque-o
Comments17
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do you feel it in your gut the emotion i tried to breath into it?
Oh my gosh, why is this a question you ask us? Yes. It was beautifully done.
or does it just come off as angsty?
Not really. Some would say a little bit, but that's hard to avoid in death scenes/mourning scenes.
does it flow well?
Extremely well. It almost felt like Poetry.
the lines in the italics are bugging me some, do they sound ok?
Yes, and the italics help pack a final punch.
Additional critique:
The capitalization was a little weird at first, but it helps lay out the mood. It was a little confusing in the beginning, all the amazing imagery, but for some reason it wasn't fully satisfying. Why was he dying? What did he do? Who exactly is the narrator? I assumed that he committed suicide by taking drugs. I assumed the narrator was the wife. Other than that though, the entire scene was breathtaking. I felt like I was there, watching the narrator cry.
Oh my gosh, why is this a question you ask us? Yes. It was beautifully done.
or does it just come off as angsty?
Not really. Some would say a little bit, but that's hard to avoid in death scenes/mourning scenes.
does it flow well?
Extremely well. It almost felt like Poetry.
the lines in the italics are bugging me some, do they sound ok?
Yes, and the italics help pack a final punch.
Additional critique:
The capitalization was a little weird at first, but it helps lay out the mood. It was a little confusing in the beginning, all the amazing imagery, but for some reason it wasn't fully satisfying. Why was he dying? What did he do? Who exactly is the narrator? I assumed that he committed suicide by taking drugs. I assumed the narrator was the wife. Other than that though, the entire scene was breathtaking. I felt like I was there, watching the narrator cry.