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out of boredom, I picked up my old journals. bad plan. I forgot how dark my head was back then. how many pages are stained with my own blood or an angry x for every time I purged. the poems I wrote with shaking hands and the heavy darkdarkdark that I was stuck in.
I still have nights I can't breathe,
but thank God I don't live there anymore.
I'm not the same person.
and happiness feels warm on my skin. 8 months clean guys. and each month feels like a fucking victory.
I survived.
I still have nights I can't breathe,
but thank God I don't live there anymore.
I'm not the same person.
and happiness feels warm on my skin. 8 months clean guys. and each month feels like a fucking victory.
I survived.
things not to say
it’s been... what feels like a lifetime. most of me hopes you never check DA anymore. but it’s february, the hardest time of the year for me, so very full of bad memories. i guess i’m wine drunk and sentimental. i’m happy more of the time than i ever have been, married and i hear you will be too. how odd to think we were in love 5 maybe 6 years ago? i was never good with time. i will always feel guilty for the way i treated you in my brokenness. for the way i was too scared to hold your hand in public, for the way i was too wrapped up in self destruction to be a partner. we were such an unholy mess. neither of us were
Say what.
so somehow my unworthy self landed a DD,
and that just made my life.
thank you going out to all you awesome people.
old.
i feel so old sometimes. like i've lived serveral lifetimes.
and sometimes i feel so young,
and lost.
but its been 6 weeks clean. of everything.
including her.
and i'm not sure how i feel.
sleepless thoughts.
the more i start to understand myself
the more i hate what i see.
i lose a little more of myself every time.
i need to start over,
i need to leave.
how do you turn into everything you hate?
i can't divorce my thoughts, and i just get so tired of existing somtimes.
its not that i don't love life. i do.
i guess its the 3 hours of sleep talking again.
i guess i really fucked up again. but this time i really hurt someone else too.
© 2014 - 2024 arabesque-o
Comments1
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Keep staying strong.